Friday, May 16, 2014

Facts Are Such Jerks. I Really Hate Them.

All facts ever do is get in the way of making a really good point.

For example, I know a person, who we'll call Robert Dumbdumb.  Everyone knows that little Bobby Dumbdumb is, well, a dumbdumb.  The other day he was over at my house.  I left the room for a couple minutes, and when I came back, my glass of water was spilled all over the table.  So was like, "Bobby, you're such a dumbdumb.  Why did you spill my water all over?"  Of course, he denied it, which meant that I had to get all lawyer-y and prove it.

So I said, "Bobby, lots of people have told me that you've spilled water at their house, so it's obvious that you're always doing this.  Why do you have to go spilling water all over people's houses?"  Case closed, right?  Wrong.

Bobby goes all ballistic saying that I had "no proof" that he did it, that "lots of people" is just a weasel word, and that he hadn't spilled anything at anyone's house before.  Then he told me my cat had knocked over the water and showed me the wet paw prints on the floor to prove it.  What a dummy.  The whole point of the conversation was that I needed to tell him he was dumb.  And he totally missed the point, just because some stupid facts got in the way.

It gets worse.  See, Bobby was going to leave because he said I chewed him out for no reason, and I definitely didn't want anyone else to find out about it.  They might not want to come over to my house if they think I'm going to chew them out.  And I was pretty sure Bobby was going to tell everyone about this, because, you know, lots of people do that.  I couldn't let things end that way.  So I said, "Bobby, lots of people have told me that you're always going over to their house and getting mad at them for no reason and leaving.  That's really mean.  I think you need to go home and stop spilling water on my cat."

Oh man.  He really went off on me then, and he was still talking about weasel words.  Then he said I made up the story about him getting mad at people and leaving their house because he'd never done that before either.  Actually, I did make it up, but there again, he totally missed the point.  The whole point of all this was that he is dumb, and he needed me to tell him that.  And just because of some stupid facts, he totally missed the point, AGAIN.

Facts are such jerks.  I really wish they would stop getting in the way of all the points I'm trying to make.