Friday, May 30, 2014

Holding on to Your Worldview

Lots of people wonder how they can really believe in anything when the world is full of so much insanity.  The internet only makes things worse, because any yahoo can spout off about anything they want to using their own personal blog.  Present company excepted, of course, because I'm no yahoo.

Anyway, you were asking about how a person can hold onto their beliefs in the face of all this nonsense.  Of course, I know you're thinking "I didn't ask you anything, you yahoo."  Or words to that effect.  See what I did there?  It was a brilliant way to establish credibility by acting as if you were seeking me out for information.  A real yahoo would never have done that - they would have just jumped directly into their rant.
As I was saying, staying sane is as easy as following three easy steps:

1. Question Everything

And when I say "question everything" I mean that you should ask this question: Does this new piece of information I have just learned support my existing world view?

If the answer is yes, you may accept this new information and immediately begin repeating it as fact.  It supports your deeply held beliefs, and you're smarter than everyone else, so why wouldn't it be a fact?

If the answer is no, you may immediately reject this new information as lies or pure drivel.

Once you have established the veracity of the new information you've encountered, you're ready to move to step 2.

2. Attack the Morons Who Disagree With You

Some people are so dumb that they will disagree with your approach in step 1.  They'll say that you can't accept a story that aligns with what you believe if it isn't back up by "facts".  Or, they'll say that you can't reject information that is backed up by "facts" just because you don't agree with it.

We all know that "facts" just get in the way when you're trying to make a good point, and so do these people that seem to love them so much.  The only way to deal with these people is to call them what they are: morons.  Keep calling them that until they go away.  Trust me, you'll be a lot better off without them.

I know I said there was three easy steps, but actually there's just the two.  This just goes to show that you don't have to be good at math or even be able to count to hold on to your world view.  All you have to do is follow these easy steps, and no amount of new information will be able to make you uncomfortable again.

You're welcome.

Friday, May 16, 2014

Facts Are Such Jerks. I Really Hate Them.

All facts ever do is get in the way of making a really good point.

For example, I know a person, who we'll call Robert Dumbdumb.  Everyone knows that little Bobby Dumbdumb is, well, a dumbdumb.  The other day he was over at my house.  I left the room for a couple minutes, and when I came back, my glass of water was spilled all over the table.  So was like, "Bobby, you're such a dumbdumb.  Why did you spill my water all over?"  Of course, he denied it, which meant that I had to get all lawyer-y and prove it.

So I said, "Bobby, lots of people have told me that you've spilled water at their house, so it's obvious that you're always doing this.  Why do you have to go spilling water all over people's houses?"  Case closed, right?  Wrong.

Bobby goes all ballistic saying that I had "no proof" that he did it, that "lots of people" is just a weasel word, and that he hadn't spilled anything at anyone's house before.  Then he told me my cat had knocked over the water and showed me the wet paw prints on the floor to prove it.  What a dummy.  The whole point of the conversation was that I needed to tell him he was dumb.  And he totally missed the point, just because some stupid facts got in the way.

It gets worse.  See, Bobby was going to leave because he said I chewed him out for no reason, and I definitely didn't want anyone else to find out about it.  They might not want to come over to my house if they think I'm going to chew them out.  And I was pretty sure Bobby was going to tell everyone about this, because, you know, lots of people do that.  I couldn't let things end that way.  So I said, "Bobby, lots of people have told me that you're always going over to their house and getting mad at them for no reason and leaving.  That's really mean.  I think you need to go home and stop spilling water on my cat."

Oh man.  He really went off on me then, and he was still talking about weasel words.  Then he said I made up the story about him getting mad at people and leaving their house because he'd never done that before either.  Actually, I did make it up, but there again, he totally missed the point.  The whole point of all this was that he is dumb, and he needed me to tell him that.  And just because of some stupid facts, he totally missed the point, AGAIN.

Facts are such jerks.  I really wish they would stop getting in the way of all the points I'm trying to make.