Monday, March 17, 2014

I'm ERROR: MATCHING CHARACTER NOT FOUND. Who Are You?

I've been seeing a lot of people post the results of various quizzes they've taken that identify them with a character in a movie, video game, deck of cards, or something similar.  These are the kind that have a tag line something like this:

I took [shameless marketing company's] [popular movie or TV show] quiz, and I'm [character name].  Who are you?

And when they say "Who are you?", what they really mean is, "You should also take this quiz so that this marketing company may continue to make loads of money while contributing no actual value to society."

But I figured, hey, contributing no value to society is what I do best.  So I tried one.  Here are the results I got:

You are: ERROR: MATCHING CHARACTER NOT FOUND

Our system was unable to match you with a character based on the answers you provided to our quiz, which were, quite frankly, incomprehensible.  For example, your answers to questions 3 and 17 are completely contradictory.  Are you heroic, or are you lazy?  Or are you only heroic when pursuing cheeseburgers?  Our system was also unable to determine your position on the scale of good and evil.  You indicated both that you like bunnies and that you often think destruction and mayhem are amusing.  You can't possibly like both.  Three of our servers burst into flames while trying to process your answers to these questions.  The fire truck that responded ran over a bunny on the way to our facility.  Perhaps you think that is funny, but we're not sure.  To add insult to injury, we can't even determine your level of intelligence.  Your answer to question 7 indicated a high degree of mathematical aptitude.  And yet you later indicated that the four greatest ancient contributors to our modern culture were Larry, Curly, Moe, and sometimes Shemp.  Based on that, our system could not determine whether you are brilliant, comically stupid, insane, or some combination of those three.  Ordinarily, we'd offer you the opportunity to take a different quiz, but in this case we're rather afraid of what might result from that.

Honestly, I'm surprised that more people don't get this response, because I thought all people were too deep and complex to be categorized using trite storybook characters.  But I guess I can't complain too much.  Any day you can set something on fire, especially from a distance, is a good day in my book.